The Wizards of Pendle Gob

The blight of Dinas Moch

The Wizards of Pendle Gob have for some time been recovering from the fight against Toe and Ear disease.

Although some things at Ustramuchter and Pendle Gob had gone on much as usual –other things had got worse –the seven bridge trolls had got much fiercer ,Ye Oldy Inn had got much older and frostyer. On the other hand some things had got better –the fulmars stopped making ale, Ecvil Sejon had departed for other Worldes, for probably quite a long time, so visiting the guardians of Fun-and-Doom had generally become less fraught.

However these things were trivial compared with the stirrings in the underworld where the vibrations of the unseen hallows of the Gaelxs were calling the Wizards at Pendle Gob to action. In their slumbers Dinas Moch had grown from a insignificant boulder into a mighty blob that threatened to suck up the hole underworld.

The underworld had become bewitched by the frantic fad for money –even the Wizards had become tainted by Dinas Moch and had woken from their slumbers with incredible ideas such as the Pendle Gob Exercise Video, the David Speleolunker Body Spray.and the Pendle Gob Palace

The main threat however came from someone. who the intervening months, had some how acquired collaterised digging (CDO`s) obligations on all the good wholes in Ustermuckter!

How had this happened ? how had the guardians of the underworld been mesmerised by the blandishments of Dinas Moch ? was it a tale of unmitigated greed ? or just incomprehensible incompetence ? All that summer it rained and rained- some said this was because the great weather god of the Hittites

Nerick had got annoyed by trivial messages sent through the fungal foam (though why was anybody’s guess as no Hittites had been seen for millennia).

Each day the Wizards found the cost of digging access had increased exponentially. What had once seemed a modest whole had gone up in value 50 times .How could this happen –The Wizards set out to find out and to sort it !

Rumour had it that the answer had something to do with sludge –some of the Wizards specialised in (and loved) sludge so girding themselves in their best sludge garb they set off up the road to visit Polepit in his giant sludge filled grotto.

Climbing up towards the Far Garage they saw signs of steam and fumes arising from Polepits whole, ‘Ah Ha` they thought, we are onto it, somethin `orrible is arising from the Banks of fossils below.

Getting to the edge of the whole they saw Polepit sitting on a stump ,all the trees in area had gone and the surrounding vegetation had been shredded and there was something `orrible and slimy moving in his whole-looking up he saw the Wizards coming .’Thank the f**** `he shouted you have got to save me – I’ve been taken over by a sludge fund manager working for Dinas Moch!’ it comes out every now and again and f****s every thing it can get hold of and just grows bigger and bigger.

‘ Don’t worry’ shouted back the Wizards we were reading the Biannual Snail and it said that the best thing to do with sludge fund monsters was to put them at the bottom of the sea'

‘ Did it tell you how to do that ` shouted back Polepit ‘no but w`ell go and see Vandon Ganmor and see if we can use his new whole that could go all the way to the sea’ replied the Wizards.

Just then the sludge monster caught sight of the Wizards and in its fury start to spew megatonnes of sludge in their direction .Of course the Wizards loved this and danced and picked up handfuls of it and smeared it over other each other .This just made the monster even more angry.

On their way back to Pendle Gob the wizards decided they had better pay homage to the great power of the underworld by baptising thems-elves in Portly Ogof`s mighty cavern in order to rid themselves of the taint of the sludge monster . On their way there they received great admiration & encouragement (but not too close!) from passers by for their courage in even thinking of tackling the sludge monster , the river Muckter went blue from all the sludge that washed off.

So the next morn the wizards set off to Gloomneff on the chief wizards new cabriolet mini broomstick to look for Vandon Ganmor at this home. He wasn’t there but his mum said he was digging somewhere very secret and wouldn’t tell them where ,his dad was however more forthcoming and after many brews and interesting discussions he inadvertently gave them two clues –he was at a Far valley which was near the Light & Night Garden.

Clearing their headaches with potions and magic they sat down in the infamous Golden Breech pub to consider the possibilities and after numerous pints of strong ale (which also caused their headaches to return) the arrived at the now blindingly obvious solution of Ogof Notveryfar.

They mounted their broomsticks and set off somewhat unsteadily for the giant tanks of the Light & Night Garden .Spying a deep valley ending suddenly in a magical looking cliff they saw a black whole surrounded by piles of sandwich wrappers – always a good sign of Vandon activity.

Vandon had been very busy ,the entrance glowed with the power of Wayland the smith and the rumblings and spray of a mighty river drifted from the portal.

‘This is just what we need to flush the Sludge Fund Monster away said the chief wizard .Providing it goes all the way to the sea. ‘We must find Vandon and see if he will help the underworld’.

Donning their worst digging gear they set off with some trepidation into the roaring mouth of Ogof Notveryfar -descending several pitches they came to part of the cave only recently opened -Vandon was in a corner heaving large boulders across the chamber ‘Hi lads come to redeem your digging obligations` ‘ we don’t owe you any ‘ the secrat wizard replied ‘we were not stupid enough to believe that wholes could increase in value for ever!` ‘all that has happened is that the underworld has been unbalanced by sludge fund managers’ –‘Its far worse than that’ said Vandon ‘the spring is broke`

‘What the black spring at Fun & Doom?’asked one of the Wizards ‘Yup - It’s a sub-grime glue up- every thing is gloomed, all my CDO`s have crashed’

‘ Supposing we can flush the sludge fund manager to the sea will that unglue the spring?’

Asked the treasure wizard ‘Might do’ said Vandon ‘but you will have to help me clear the way’ ‘What about all those who owe you digging obligations` said one of the wizards.’ ‘Unfortunately they have turned out to be sub-grime and are useless –in fact they are what they sludge fund manager has been feeding on’said Vandon .’So all we need to do is flush the sludge fund monster into the sea with sub-grime ! Sounds somewhat oversimplistic to me, but first we have got to get him here’! said the demon wizard.

Next time in the Saga of the Wizards (assuming the underworld still exists) find out if they can get the Sludge Fund Manager into the Notver far`s whole. Will the new wizard of Merica, Zobama be able to fix the underworlds broken spring or is it all doom and light for the Wizards of Pendle Gob ?

“On such a night, when Air has loosed
Its guardian grasp on blood and brain,
Old terrors then of god or ghost
Creep from their caves to life again”
- Robert Bridges

Author: 
Kerry Klatchit